lördag 30 april 2011

"Where words fail, music speaks."

fredag 29 april 2011

Thank you for being so sweet and kind to me, for hugging me, touching me, stealing my nose and showing me how to do a wave. I think that you have awakened something inside me because I can't stop looking at you or feeling this wonderful way. You make me want to bathe in an ice hole just to cool down my feelings. You make me want to jump from an edge to get away from this haunting feeling inside. And you make me want to breathe fire just to feel the burn you cause to my heart. And I think that somewhere inside of me, I like you very,very much.

tisdag 26 april 2011

Wonderful music streaming out of my room.
People must think I'm some kind of a anarchist punker,
or just a psycho.

Please, don't take another day away from me.

Thank you Germany, for saving this for me! :D

Why does this keep happening to me.
Tomorrow I'll be gone again.
So why don't I live today?

söndag 24 april 2011

You don't know anything about my life.
Everything that I've ever said is a lie.
But here's s little piece of the truth.

Once a month I wake up with a black eye or swollen lip.
300 days a year I cry myself to sleep.
6 days a week I have to fight myself to get out of bed.
5 times a day I talk to myself.
364 days a year things seem better in my mind than in real life.

3 days a year I feel I'm worth something to somebody an life is worth living.
1 hour a week I do something that brings me joy.
1 hour a week I get to ALMOST be myself.
1 day a year people accually see me.
But every day I feel I'm wasting my life on something unimportant, letting it slip away, watching in go past me while I stand and watch, empty, taking one step closer to the end each day.

But hey, don't worry bout me. I'll be okay. I'll survive.
I allways will

fredag 15 april 2011

Tomorrow I'm leaving.
Leaving for Germany.
But don't worry, no panic
You'll see me in a couple days.

torsdag 14 april 2011

Life is like a needle right now.
Stupid technics!!!!

måndag 11 april 2011

Where dreams go to die.

söndag 10 april 2011

Okay, so it didn't work out this time, but it's fine (and this time I mean it). I mean, it could have gone better but I guess I only have myself (and maybe the terrible weather before) to blame. But I'm still proud, I mean not everybody has the guts to go through with it. And the weather was wonderful, really warm and sunny, so, "vi hade iallafall tur med vädret!" ;D
+ We met 3 really cool guys. Their voices was really awesome and they we're really nice to hang out with, about 25 years old, and I think it went really well for 2 of them, so I'm happy for them.
So after all this was an experience of a lifetime and it was so worth all the ours waiting, even though I didn't make it. But you know what they say: What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
So finally "Känn ingen sorg för mig Göteborg!!!"
Thanks to everybody.

fredag 8 april 2011

Okay, here it goes if you want to, you may now, from this moment, read the first draft of Humble Hearts. It's not right though, the story and everything, but I'll have to fix it later :D
P.S. I know it's a little long.

Humble hearts

Come closer. Take a peek in to my heart. See what you can find. Maybe you find something you didn’t expect. Or maybe you won’t find anything at all. Who knows? But that’s the beauty in it. You never know what’s coming for you. One day it’s just there, knocking on your door. And then you have to answer it.
For all my life I have always been a little bit different. But there’s nothing wrong with being different. I mean, it would be no fun if everybody looked exactly the same. We would all just get lost. So I’m glad I’m not like everybody else. At least I was.

I wake up and look around. Everything is still dark, but why should I expect anything else. The sun never seems to rise here anymore. For a minute I think about whether to get out of bed or just fall asleep again. After all it is Saturday and you’re not supposed to be up this early on the weekend. I decide to try to go back to sleep again, there’s nothing else to do anyway. Nobody is up this early and all there might be is just to sit and stare at these flaking walls once again. I lay may head back on the pillow again, staring up at the ceiling. I can’t stop thinking about that day, that moment, that second and that sentence that changed my entire life. It was like the entire world stopped and held its breath for a while. Then it blew me out again in a whirl of air. And here I am. Staring up at the ceiling. Imagining it is filled with beautiful stars and rockets. I try not to think. Try to focus on breathing. Breathe in, breathe out and so on, until I finally fall asleep again.
A few hours later I wake up once again. The sun is not yet ready to get out of its bed and stretch its long, warming arms down to earth. But I decide to get up anyway. I have no time I can afford to waste. The clock is already 9.00 A.M. I put my feet to the always so cold floor and try to stand up, but as I move to quickly all the blood rushes from my head and everything starts spinning. I sit down on the brim of the bed again and put my hand to the head. For a minute everything blacks out in front of my eyes. I try to get up again, this time a little bit slower. I don’t care about getting out of my pyjamas, instead I just walk straight in to the living room. There I see my mother sitting in the sofa, watching the news. As soon as she sees me she (stelnar till).
“Good morning, how do you feel, love?” she says with the hint of a smile.
“I’m fine, just a little dizzy. And you mum?” I answer. She looks at me probing.
“Pills” is all she says. Pills sure, I will not take those gross pills again. It feels like swallowing a rock. Anyway I don’t think they help, I think to myself. I walk in to the kitchen and open the refrigerator and take out a juice carton, just like I do every morning. I open it and pour me a glass, and then I go to the living room again and sit down on the sofa. For a couple of minutes I try to seem interested in the news, but after a while I get so bored I just lean my head back and sigh. My mother looks at me and then puts her hand on my forehead.
“How are you feeling?” she says anxiously.
“I’m fine” I say annoyed and push away her hand. I get up from the sofa.
“I have to go and get ready. I’m going out with a couple of friends later for a bite to eat” I mumble to her on my way back to the bedroom.
“Okay, but remember to bring your phone if something happens”
“Of course, and I’ll walk around with pillows strapped to my body too” I answer, to quiet for her to hear.
I meet my friends at the big square and get a lot of careful hugs from all of them.
“How are you, I’ve missed you” one of them says.
“I’ve missed you too, where shall we eat?” I ignore the question about how I feel, because I’ve started to get tired of people always checking on me. They look at me to try to answer the question for themselves.
“We were thinking about going to the new diner at the corner over there”.
It is a very small diner with just a few people here. The only employed I can see is the guy hanging behind the counter. We sit down at a round table near the window. I look out through the misty glass, but today there are barely any people out on the street.
“What do you wish to order?” The diner-boy has left his place behind the counter and walked up to our table.
“We’ll take four chicken salads and four glasses of water” the girl next to me answers with a smile. “Is that okay with you?” she asks, now turned to me.
“That sounds great” I say with a tired voice and push my lips to form a smile. The guy looks at me, smiles a little and then walks away. I look down at my fingers, poking on a birthmark on the middle of my hand. I tell my friends I’m going to go wait for the food by the counter and push the chair back with a loud, scraping noise. They look at me with big, worried eyes. I ignore them. I stand by the white polished counter and wait for the guy to come back with the food. When he finally does, he puts the dishes on the counter and look into my eyes.
“Excuse me, but may I ask you a question?” he says shyly.
“Of course, what is it?”
“Why do your friends act so weird around you? They look at you like you were made of glass and they’re afraid you might break any second.” I look at him for a long time with wide open eyes.
“Let’s just say that I have been gone from this place a long time, and now I’m back but being away has changed me a little.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” he mumbles awkward.
“That’s okay, you meant no harm.”
“That will be twelve, fifty.” he says with his eyes focused on the blank counter, afraid to face me again. I pay him and go back to my friends with the food. I put the food on the table. Can you really ask a complete stranger such a personal question, I ask to myself. He was right though, people have started to act strange around me ever since I got the diagnosis. And I don’t like it. All the stiff bodies and pricked up ears make me feel really uncomfortable. I wish that everything could go back to normal. Still I know it never will. My life has changed forever. And now I just have to accept it and live with it. I sit down again and look at my friends. Let my eyes drift from person to person. At least I’ll always have them, and I’m sure they will get used to me in time. Yeah, in time everything will be better. I just have to hold on until then.

Tense and nerve is building. Panic is starting to grow. Everything is upside down and completely out of place and out of time, like a bullet through a flock of doves (XD)....

But hopefully everything will be just fine. Hopefully.

torsdag 7 april 2011

Hold on to the light, but don't fear the dark.

tisdag 5 april 2011

There's something in my heart,
it sticks and it burns
It kind of tickles.
It cuts and it scars

Let's call it love