Jag stannar här tills jag ser dig framför mig

You are the purpose, the reason I breathe

Den där känslan när du hittar något som ligger på helt fel plats

När du liksom slås ur balans

Du stannar upp och börjar tänka

Jag tror jag ska börja lägga saker där de inte förväntas hittas

Jag är tillbaka. Starkare och bättre än någonsin.

Nu börjar det på riktigt. Nu förändras allt. Hello life, I'm back on track.

Happiness

I can't even describe the happiness and relief that I feel now that I've realized that one of my favourite books ever was just the first book in a trilogy. This explains the horrible, confusing and abrupt ending in the first book which made me so... I don't know, angry I think, and upset. It all makes sense now. There weren't any pages missing, and the author didn't die before he got to finish the book.
Happiness is such a simple thing.

It is the second you realize that you're never alone. That the feelings that you feel are shared with someone else, and if they were not they would not exist.
Sometimes we only exist in the eyes of the observer. It is through their eyes we judge ourselves. But it's only when we see ourselves with our own eyes, untouched and uncontrolled by the rest of the world, only then can we see who we really are. And only then can we be all that we are.
For we are not what you think. And we are not what we seem. We are the words that are never spoken, but flows through our inner. We are the mystery of the world.

Det här är bara ännu en verklighetsflykt

Så nu måste jag bara vänta på att den här stormen blåst förbi.
Jag är lycklig och jag är fantastisk, och jag tänker aldrig glömma det nu när jag väl insett det. När jag väl tagit mig upp tänker jag aldrig ramla ner igen. Och allt är tack vare dig. Det spelar ingen roll att jag inte fick se dig, det hade inte förändrat något ändå. Jag ser dig varje dag framför mina ögon, och det får räcka just nu.
Nu måste jag andas, och ta det lugnt och bara vara jag. Bara leva och vara människa. Misstag glöms bort. Och vad vore vi om vi aldrig gjorde misstag. Jag har mycket kvar att lära, jag vet det och jag har accepterat det.
Jag kommer alltid att vänta på dig, den enda personen som fått mig bra och lycklig. För dig skulle jag göra vad som helst, vara vem som helst. Men just nu tänker jag vara jag.

Let your fire burn

so I can see you everywhere I turn

Let your colours shine

I know, they're the same as mine

With a hunters heart

we are waiting for the dark

In the valley now

we will light a spark

To set fire to your heart

Med er blir jag mindre



How do I start to speak from my heart, when finding the words is the hardest part

I'll tell you by singing you all of your favorite songs.

A voice has always told me where to go

When I was lost I listened and it showed

It opened up a path in front of me

And if I chose it was clear

My days were light

Timo Räisänen

Not the needle, nor the thread, the lost decree
Saying nothing, that's enough for me

We smoked the screen to make it what it was to be

Now to know it in my memory

In the morning I'll be with you

But it will be a different kind
I'm breaking at the bridges

And at the end of all your lines

Bon Iver

Every second of every day I will live in my own way

Time may change me, but I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size

But never leave the stream

Of warm impermanence

So the days float through my eyes

But still the days seem the same

Turn and face the strange

Ch-ch-Changes

Don't tell them to grow up and out of it

I said that time may change me

But I can't trace time

David Bowie

Falling in love this badly was never quite part of the plan.

Won't you be my solid ground.

Du går inte att beskriva med ord

Du är det vackraste som finns med det vackraste namn jag hört

Du är så fantastisk och du är faktiskt smartare än jag 

Du kan räkna ut roten ur 310 när du är full (jag är seriöst imponerad)

men du bor på en ö som är så långt borta

och jag vet inte hur jag ska klara mig utan dig

utan att se dig varje dag

Jag minns fortfarande den dagen, första gången jag såg dig 

jag visste att du var något speciellt

jag har aldrig riktigt trott på kärlek vid första ögonkastet, tänkt att det är bara för de ytliga

men nu förstår jag det

det går inte att förklara 

men man känner det inom sig på något sätt

När jag ser dig får jag svårt att andas

ditt namn är allt jag kan tänka på

allt jag kan drömma om

Och du har förändrat mig så mycket

du har gjort mig lycklig

du har räddat mig.

Jag satt på en buss och lyssnade på en låt

en låt som kanske var ganska sorgsen, men den handlade om kärlek

och jag tänkte på dig

och då såg jag dig, utanför bussfönstret där du gick genom regnet

du såg mig inte, men jag ritade ett leende på insidan av glaset.

Jag minns hur du satt bredvid mig och jag kände din värme genom jackan

hörde hur du andades 

såg hur du levde

hur du doftade

Jag kommer aldrig någonsin att glömma dig

och jag saknar dig redan efter en dag

hur ska jag klara mig en livstid?

utan dig.

Men jag tänker aldrig gå tillbaka till depressionen

jag har ett nytt liv nu, och jag tänker aldrig ge upp

jag kommer aldrig släppa dig

för jag kommer alltid vänta här

hos mig är du alltid välkommen

Tack för att du gav mig liv, även om du inte vet om det

Så älskar jag dig.

Isle of Wight FOREVER!

Even though there are no words that can describe the feelings I have for this place and these times I will try to tell you about the place that saved my life.

I went there as an insecure, maybe a bit nervous but mostly hopeful young girl.

I thought that how on earth am I going to make friends in just 3 weeks, when people aren't normally that openminded to strangers.

But I went there, on the airport I met the first people, who later one would become some of my best friends.

I was lucky to meet these amazing people at the airport because they made the waiting and the flight to England so much easier. But since we (the people from Gothenburg) arrived in London late in the evening we didn't get to spend our very first day in London (sad, I know). Instead we went by bus to a small hostel were    we for the first time met the rest of the swedish people who were going to Isle of Wight (and some of the finnish people as well, I think).

And this is when I first saw the person who was going to change my life. I didn't know back then and neither did he. He still doesn't know, probably. He was the first one I saw and the first voice I heard, and somehow I immediatly knew there was something special about him.

This is also the place were I first met the person who later on would be one of the persons I spent most of my time with. I think back to our first meeting and realize that my first impression of her was so different from the person I got to know. Everything isn't what it first appears to be.

Our first ever meal in England was fish & chips (of course), and the second one as well (we got tired after the first one, fish & chips isn't really my thing, too much frying!).

We spent our first (and only) day in London on sightseeing and then going shopping. We saw the Big Ben, Buckingham Palace (not the Queen :( too bad.), a red dubbeldecker and phone booth (that's how you know  you're in London!), Trafalgar Square, the Underground and probably a lot of things that I just can't think of right now. I bought another pair of Dr Martens (military green ones) so now I'm happy! (and by the way, this  boy seemed to like my shoes as well because he always told me how cool/awesome they looked!)

We didn't stay long in London because we had to get to the island, so in the afternoon of the second day we got on the bus which was going to take us to the ferry. And this is were I made my first mistake. When we got on the bus, my friends and I were an odd number so I had to sit on a seatrow of my own at first, but then a swedish guy sat down beside me, with his friends in the seatrow in front of us. I should have spoken to them more, but I was so nervous and too afraid so I just sat there listening to my music (as a regular swede.)

If I had spoken to them more I would know them better by now, but there's nothing I can do about it. 

We all have to live in the present.

Waiting for the ferry I met the two guys who also would become some of my closest friends (one of them was even dating my gothenburg-friend!).

  We got to the island quite late so everyone was very tired and of course nervous about meeting their new familys. And this was the first time I met my small, nervous but wonderful roommate, a 14-years old from spain. She didn't know much english and in the evening at the house she was very upset, calling home to her family. Seeing her so upset and everything made me a bit emotional as well, but I got over it rather quickly without any tears. 

The first day we all went to the beach, and it was so hot and so sunny (and I was stupid enough not to put on any suncream) i burnt myself badly. I remember being so jealous of the spanish girls because they looked so good (just because MY self-esteem is sooooo awesome...).

I don't remember quite everything right now so I'll just make a short summary.

We've been to Godshill having cream tea (and for some reason I ordered a chocolate cake as well, so I couldn't finish it all because I was too full). We went to the Needles, and I came second last in minigolf so I had to get a facepaint (they made me Spiderman, bitches! XD) and it was so embarrasing because everyone I met was either laughing at me or trying to stay far away (I don't blame them). We went headhunting and it was SOOOO awesome. I got to shoot our enemies from spain, and even though it was so difficult aiming and the weapon was so heavy I did rather good. We went to a lot of discos (even though the first one was the best one). We also had a lot of secret partys on the beach, where some people got drunk...

We went ice-skating two times (why? WHY did it have to be 2 times. One time is enough to die!) and there was this boy who always tried to make me go with him, but the thing is I really can't skate so I didn't want to make a fool of myself, but I actually did go with him once. He seemed to like me, and sure he was okay, he was nice and all, but he was three years younger than me so I didn't want to encourage him too much because there could never be anything between us.

We did so many things I can't even write them all here. We went sightseeing one day in the end of the three weeks, and this boy that I like sat in the seat behind me, and I actually spoke to him quite a lot.

Two days before departure the leaders had arranged a party where everyone was supposed to have white t-shirts on so that everybody could write their names and maybe a message, and it was quite fun even though it  wasn't really very much dancing or anything. I got to write on the boys t-shirt and I could feel the warmth of  his skin and his heartbeat through the white fabric. But then he was gone and I continued on through the crowd of people wearing white shirts, writing my name everywhere.

Throughout the students there had been a whisper or a saying that this night there was going to be an inofficial party on the beach, so when the "real" disco was almost at an end my friends and I decided to sneak out and hide in the shadows behind a wall on a nearby beach so the leaders wouldn't find us and tell us to go back home. And to add to the list of crazy things I've done: here I changed my shirt, completely in the open where everyone and anyone could have seen me, without a single care. So standing half-naked on a beach; Check!

(Other things I've done here is; I've had a BBQ on a beach, been watching the stars, almost got beaten down by some crazy brittish girls, sent a message in a bottle and a lot of other things).

Anyway, after we had hid out for a while and we thought it was safe we walked to the place where we thought we would find the rest of the partypeople, and we did, but they were just about to leave but my some of my friends wanted to stay and have their own party. But I didn't stay long, I left most of my friends and ran to the bus, we made it just in time for the bus, and I'm so happy we did because after a couple of stops more people enter the bus, including this boy. At first he sits down with some french people, but after a while he comes to me and sits down beside me saying that he wants to sit with swedish people so he can speak normally. And he is sitting right beside me, almost laying down, he is just slightly drunk, but still not too drunk to be able to calculate the root of 310 (it is 17,6 something and he thought 16-17 something, I'm impressed). And we talk all the way back to town. About his school and his island and the town he's moving to and my town and just everything. And of course I get him to sign my shirt as well, because I could never go back to home without his name. The most beautiful name and the only word I can think of right now. He sat so close to me, almost leaning against me. And he was so warm. I could see his collarbone and the way his chest rose with every breath and every heartbeat.

 The day before departure we had a karaoke-night at a bar where we were supposed to say goodbye to everybody. And it was so terrible, everyone was crying when the party was coming to an end, even though everybody knew we were going to meet again soon at the beach in town. Because that's where we said goodbye. That is the last place I saw the spanish and the french people. That is first place I got drunk. But I couldn't cry anything that night. Because I'm hard as stone and cold as ice. I have a hardened heart.

But still saying goodbye is not an easy thing. These are the people I'd come to love. The ones who for once actually knew my name. The ones who spoke to me and looked up to me. I don't know what I'm gonna do without them. What am I going to do without him? I hugged him several times and I spoke to him even more. Atleast he knows my name. And he won't forget it. I hope.

I didn't cry anything until I had said goodbye to my roommate the next morning. It was five o'clock in the morning and the tears started to stream down my face. I've cried ever since. I didn't get much sleep because all I could think of was this boy, and the short time I slept I only dreamt of him. It wasn't easy saying goodbye to everyone after the ferry. It's always hard saying goodbye to someone you won't meet again in a long time. It was heartbreaking and my eyes were like waterfalls, but I didn't care. The only thing I regret is not telling him what he means to me. Because he means everything.

But this has been the best time of my life and something I will never forget.
This has changed me for the rest of my life. It has made me so much stronger and so much happier.
Thank you all my amazing friends. You will always live in my heart.
But I will see you soon.